Start with No – Notes

  1. Have your own calculation ?
  2. Dont show “Neediness “ .
  3. Slow down … To be in control during negotiation..
  4. Don’t worry about Rejection . Rejection is a cause for neediness. It also means trying to be likeable. But also There cannot be any rejection; rejection means your adversary need something from you. If they do not need , then how can there be a rejection.
  5. In Labor Management Dispute – Find a union member who has a big ego , and wants to be liked . Use it ..
  6. It all because team gets killed when the chief negotiator has the neediness to be known as smart, to be liked, to feel important, and urge them to compromise.
  7. Wanting is fine, Needing is not.
  8. You do not need to close ; Your adversary needs to.
  9. In Japan, It is said that make decision through stomach; Not head nor Heart — But with Stomach.
  10. Forget “Yes” and Forget “Maybe” –
  11. Make them Say No.
  12. Negotiation means that Both parties have right to veto . Which is to be the case. And then it would be the idea.
  13. How will they like me; or How they will perceive my company ?
  14. Never, “Save the Adversary” or “Save the Relationship”.
  15. Un – “Qualified” adversary.
  16. Respect, Not Friendship, What you want ?
  17. More important then Friendship is “Effectiveness” and “Respect”.
  18. Why would you want to load down a business relationshipwith a lot of emotional baggage, including guilt, which can bethe by-product of “friendship”? It doesn’t work. It doesn’t pay.
  19. “Lieutenant Camp, you sure make some bad decisions in this air-plane, but don’t worry. As long as you at least do make decisions,we can fix the bad ones.”
  20. Understand the power of “No”.
    1. If you do not accept No, you are going to burn too many bridges
    2. No is not rejection; but a honest decision that can be discussed and reversed.
    3. No will bring you respect
  21. How to build “No” ?
    1. It needs a valid “Mission” and “Purpose”.
    2. Its an Airtight guide to effective decision making.
      1. Typical Conversation
        1. “Why take this deal?”
        2. “The whole thing sounds too good.””Maybe I can win even more.”
        3. “Why are they making this so easy?””What do they know that I don’t know?””This can’t be right.”
        4. “How can I get out of this?”
  22. If your negotiation serves a valid missionand purpose, you don’t have to worry about whether you getevery last dollar or concession out of the deal, or whether you
  23. gave enough dollars and concessions. You don’t worry about thelong-term relationship. You are not responsible for the otherparty’s decisions. You don’t care whether this contract is win-win, win-lose, lose-win, or lose-lose. Such scorekeeping is sud-denly seen for what it is: arbitrary, empty, meaningless. You don’thave to worry about it anymore, and this freedom will liberateyou in a negotiation, believe me.
  24. If you’re not working on be-half of your own mission and purpose, you’re working on behalfof someone else’s.
  25. Problem is not to have an “I-Centered” mission
    1. The essential problem is that they are I-centered. They are set in the world ofthe individual building the mission and purpose.
  26. Money for money’s sake does corrupt; power for power’s sake does corrupt.
  27. Another problem with concentrating on money and power asa mission and purpose is that you’re scorekeeping, and score-keeping means you’re thinking about results over which you have no real control.
  28. W i n -ning isn’t everything, but the will to prepare to win is everything.”
  29. Having Valid M&P ?
    1. It must be set in the “Adversary World” ?
  30. You do not go anywhere without an adversary
  31. Likewise, the mission and purpose of the booking agent for the dance company in the negotiation with the program director was not to secure another week of touring for the company and increase its earnings. It was not to secure a commission for the booking agent and in-crease her earnings. It was to get this director to see and decide that presenting this particular dance company would bring cultural richness to her organization’s audiences and community,and to help the program director fulfill her organization’s ownmission and purpose.
  32. This is the day and age of teamwork in business, and the teammust have its own mission and purpose that is..
  33. In his excellent book Management: Tasks, Responsibilities, and Prac-tices, Peter Drucker dedicates many pages to the issue of under-standing what it is you really do—your mission and purpose. Hewrites, “Your business is never apparent. It requires in-depthquestioning that gives you a process that provides constant refo-cusing of what you do.” You must continuously analyze and ask yourself: What is my business? What is my mission? What is my purpose?
  34. My clients do not set sales targets, quotas, num-bers, percentages. Never. Instead, they set goals they can control…..
  35. Negotiation never ends.
  36. In a negotiation, nurturing will keep the negotiation going through thick and thin. Your ability to nurture will be the key tobringing the negotiation back to the table after a breakdown.Your ability to nurture your adversary, to put him or her at ease,is the key to assuring her that you are listening and that you valuewhat she has to say. Nurturing is also just another way to allowyour adversary to feel okay.
  37. Your job is to get informationfrom the adversary by asking questions, not to provide informa-tion by answering questions.
  38. Blank State
    1. For the negotiator, even a positive attitude is dangerous. Yes, it’strue. It can devolve quickly into neediness, into positive expec-tations. When I teach blank slate, I mean blank slate. And it’shard.
  39. Neither positive nor negative expectations have a place in mysystem. You blank slate and you negotiate, that’s all. When youhave a mission and purpose in place, when you have behavioralgoals in place, when you’ve established your plan to solve the realproblem, when you have laserlike focus—when you have all thisgoing for you, why would you want to climb on any kind ofemotional roller coaster of expectations?

28 lines of Argument

28 Lines (Strategies) of Argument Useful in Treating Diverse Subjects
Below is my effort to paraphrase Aristotle and to offer examples additional to his
1. From opposites: look to see if the opposite claim is true of the opposite subject, confirming it if it is true, refuting the argument if it is not.
Aristotle’s Example: Moderation is good because excess (immoderation) is bad.
My Example: Since being stupid is unfortunate, being intelligent is a blessing.
2. From different grammatical forms of the same word: look to see if the same claim is true of the related word; if so, claim is true, if not, then not.
Aristotle’s Example: to say that the just is not entirely good because then what is done justly would also be a good, something which is not entirely the case. Justice is not always a desirable good, as when the just punishment is a death sentence.
My examples: Justice is not always just.Nobles (the nobility) do not always behave nobly.
3. From correlatives [logically related things]: see if something that is true of one element of a pair is also true of the other element.
Aristotle’s Examples: If it is right to order (an action), it is right to obey it. If it is (not) shameful to sell something, it should (not) be shameful to buy it.
Aristotle’s Counter argument: just some action or result is just, doesn’t mean anyone can perform it.
My examples: If it is immoral to perform an abortion, it is immoral to seek it, and vice versa. If it is illegal to steal, it should be illegal to buy those stolen goods. Just because I deserved a good whuppin’, doesn’t give anyone the right to give that whuppin’.
Motto: What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.
4. From more and less; if something is not the fact where it should be more expected, it is not the fact where it should be less expected; if the lesser thing is true, the greater is also
Aristotle’s Examples: If not even the gods know everything, human beings can hardly be expected to do so; A person who would beat his father, he would also beat his neighbors.
My examples: (from the Bible) Who, when his child asked for an egg, would hand him a scorpion or a snake? If human beings give good things to their child, how miuch more does God the Father give to his children? If a man would rob a young healthy person, he wouldn’t hesitate to rob an old sickly person, this latter being an even easier target.
Furthermore: Neither more nor less: if something is the case for a lesser event, person or thing, it is no less the case for a greater event person or thing.
Aristotle’s example: If Hector did no wrong in killing Patroclus (best friend of Achilles), Alexander (brother of Hector) did no wrong in killing Achilles (who killed Hector). That is, it is no worse a thing to kill your brother’s killer than it is to kill your best friend’s killer, a brother being at least as great a loss as a best friend.
My example: If athletes are respectable, so are academics. Ifeven [insert category of bad people here] are kind of animals, then so too should you.
5. From past to current or future time: look to see if something that was true/likely/just in the past is even more true/likely/just in the present or future; this line of reasoning is sometimescalled a fortiori argument, from the lesser case”to the stronger”case.
Aristotle’s example: If you would have erected a statue in my honor even before I accomplished a great task, how much more should you be willing to do so now?
My example: if a politician deserved to be voted out of office even before this latest scandal, how much more so now?
6. Turning an accuser’s words against oneself back against the accuser
Aristotle’s example: If you [with your track record or reputation] wouldn’t do such a thing,what makes anyone think that I would?
My example: how can you fault me for not giving to charities when you yourself have hardly given anything? Your one to talk! When was the last time you picked up the phone to call me. How can you sit there and complain that I never call?
7. From definition: focusing on the meaning of a word to support a claim.
Aristotle’s example: What is the divine? What is noble?
Myexample: arguing that the so-called ‘morning after’ pill is not a contraceptive (but rather an abortifacent) because it does not (necessarily) prevent conception. Objecting to the use of the term “hysterical” because it means, literally, “of the womb,” so saying that someone is being hysterical is, knowingly or not, maligning their behavior in anti-female terms.
8. From varied meanings of a word
Aristotle’s example: from his work “On theTopics,” he references a discussion of the various meanings of the work oxus, meaning sharp; in music the opposite of flat, of a knife the opposite of dull.
My example: the concept ofenthymeme, “of the thymos,” reminds us that much of our reasoning comes ‘from the gut,’ not through formal analysis, but from what seems to us, at first impression, correct. We can seek to restrict or to broaden the reference to term.
9. From division: breaking a larger category into smaller parts [and narrowing to one of a few parts by eliminating certain possibilities]
Aristotle’s example: All people do wrong for one of three reasons: from this, or this, or this; now two of these are impossible [in this case], but even the accusers do not assert the third.
My example: Why did she ever marry him? She had to be either crazy or desperate. [You can extend that example in various ways Division does not necessarily involve a secondary process of elimination, though it often does.]
10. From induction: to generalize from particular cases.
Aristotle’s example: all mothers recognize their own child. Everyone honors the wise.
My example: All New Jersey politicians are corrupt. All librarians are social misfits.
11. From a previous judgment about the same or similar or opposite matter: see if all always make this judgment or if most do, or the wise, or the good. Also called the argument from authority.
Aristotle’s example: If the (wise) judges have decided, then it must be accepted.
My example: The great and powerful Oz has spoken. If the Bible says it, it must be so.
The people have spoken. Who am I to question my betters? Science has proven it. It is God’s will.
12. From the parts; look to see which individual elements of some larger thing are at issue.
Aristotle’s example: What kind of motion is the soul, this or that? Which gods that the city recognizes does he not believe in?
My examples: What particular statute did the accused violate? Exactly what kind of academic dishonesty is he being accused of?
13. From consequences: look to see whether to exhort or dissaude, accuse or defend, praise or blame on the basis of consequences, since similar effects spring from similar causes. Note: this is an argument of generalityAristotle’s Example: Because envy (by others) follows from being educated, it is good not be educated. Because wisdom comes from education, and wisdom is a good thing, it follows that it is good to be educated.
My Example: Every time he shows up, trouble follows. Therefore, I say let’s not invite him. It’s a bad idea to marry one’s high school sweetheart, since most such marriages end unhappily or end up being unhappy ones.
14. From alternatives: look to see [how to resolve] a dilemma, a choice between two alternatives, where each choice has negative consequences.
Aristotle’s Examples: If you rule justly, the people will hate you. If you rule unjustly, the gods will punish you. When you buy the salt, you also buy the marsh. Myexample: If you tell the truth, your boss will fire you. But if you lie, you will likely end up being prosecuted. [Better unemployment than prison.] You’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.
Motto: sometimes one has to take the good with the bad.
15. From inward vs. outward contradictions; look to see if one thing is said in one (public) place and a different thing is said in another (private) place. [Challenges an opponents motives and honesty.]
Aristotle’s Example: What people say praise in public is not necessarily what they say in private; the reasons people offer to others are not necessarily their private motives.
My Example: “That oughta hold the little bastards” said one children’s TV host in the 1950s, not realizaing he was still on air, in his unexpectedly last broadcast.
16. From consequencesby analogy: look to see how an opposing case challenges an act and itsconsequences.
Aristotle’s Example: If tall boys are now to be counted as men, then short men will soon be counted as boys.
My Example:
17. From identical results: look to see (or argue) if the antecedents are the same where the results are the same.
Aristotle’s Example:It is equally impious to say that the gods were born as to say that they die, since either statement means that the gods, at one time, did not exist.
My Example: Erroneous calculations of some outcome are equally bad when they lead to bad results, regardless of their differences. Failing to vote is a lapse in one’s patriotic duty whatever the reason. Consequences matter, not motives or intentions. To pay taxes is to submit to tyranny.
18. From differences in position or action before and after
Aristotle’s Example: It would be terrible if we fought to come home, but when, having come home, we choose exile over fighting.
My Example: If I knew then what I knew now, I would not have chosen a course of action. If I knew that the Iraq war would be so mismanaged, I would not have voted to authorize the use of force.
19. From attributed motive or from a result to an attributed motive: assert that a particular outcome is, in fact, the intended purpose.
Aristotle’s Example: If something results in inury, argue that the purpose was to cause injury. God gives great forture to many not out of good will but so that misfortunes may be more obvious.
MyExample: God gave us memory so that we could have roses in December. My parents treated me harshly as a child so that I would learn to be self-sufficient. [That might be true, or they might simply have been jerks, yet I turned out okay.]
20. From perceived incentives and deterrents: reason about a motive on the basis of perceived benefits or disadvantages that would accrue.
Aristotle’s Example: If someone had motive and opportunity, then he did the action.
My Example: No one does something without a reason, and people generally act in their own best interest.
21. From improbability: something implausible, but thought to be a fact, is true.
Aristotle’s Example: Laws need a law to correct them; Fish need salt and olives oil to preserve them.
My Example: It’s so unlikely, it has to be true.
22. From contradictions in circumstances; look to see if there are discrepancies in dates, actions or words.
Aristotle’s Example: He says I am litigious, but he cannot show that I have ever brought a lawsuit.
My Example: I say there are many, many examples, but I fail to produce a single one of my own.
23. From false impression: state why something is erroneously perceived.
Aristotle’s Example: Despite an affectionate embrace, someone is not a woman’s lover, but her son.
MyExample: Corrupt people think that virtuous people have a base motive when they appear to do something altruistic, but here is a case where the person really is selfless.
24. From the necessity of a cause to effect relationship: for without cause there is nothing.
Aristotle’s Example: There was no reason to cover up a crime, because no crime was committed.
My Example: Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.
25. From alternatives::look to see if there is a better plan
Aristotle’s Example: none
My example: There’s got to be a better way; the current course is not acceptable.
26. From comparison of possible actions: look for a different course of action
Aristotle’s Example: When the people of Elia asked Xenophanes whether they should sacrifice and sing dirges to Leucothea, he said they should not sing dirges if they regarded her as a god, and if as a human being then not to sacrifice.
My example: If something isn’t working, then change it.
27. From mistakes that have been made in the past: accuse or defend on the basis of mistakes
Aristotle’s Example: Some accuse Medea of killing her own children, but if she didn’t kill Jason, why would she kill her own children.
My example: Someone would not be so careless as to leave the murder weapon in plain sight. She must be innocent.
28. From the meaning of a name
Aristotle’s Example: When your mother named you Sidero she clearly meant it.
My example: Boy [to Thomas], you really are a doubting Thomas.

Harward Business Review – Communicating Effectively

Change the way you persuade
1. How you deliver the information , not the content of the information.
2. Five decision making categories

1. Charismatic
2. Thinkers
3. Skeptics
5. Controllers
Harnessing the Science of Persuasion
1. The principle of Liking
2. The principle of Scarcity
3. Principle of Reciprocity
4. The principle of Social Proof
5. Principle of Consistency
Power of Talk :- Who gets heard and Why ?

The CEO of a major corporation told me that he often has to make decisions in five minutes about matters on which others may have worked five months. He said he uses this rule: If the person making the proposal seems confident, the CEO approves it. If not, he says no.

The Necessary Art of Persuasion

Four ways not to persuade

1. They attempt to make their case with an up-front, hard sell.

1. “It’s far better to present your position with the finesse and reserve of a lion tamer, who engages his “partner” by showing him the legs of a chair. In other words, effective persuaders don’t begin the process by giving their colleagues a clear target in which to set their jaws.”

2. They resist compromise.
3. They think the secret of persuasion lies in presenting great arguments.
4. They assume persuasion is a one-shot effort :- Persuasion is a process, not an event.

Effective persuaders seem to share a common trait: they are open-minded, never dogmatic.

Effective persuasion involves four distinct and essential steps.

1. First, effective persuaders establish credibility.
2. Second, they frame their goals in a way that identifies common ground with those they intend to persuade.
3. Third, they reinforce their positions using vivid language and compelling evidence.
4. And fourth, they connect emotionally with their audience. As one of the most effective executives in our research commented

Telling Tales

There was no building up of the characters. Who was this health worker in Zambia? And what was her world like? What did it feel like to be in the exotic environment of Zambia, facing the problems she faced?

unintelligible to an outsider, is both informative and interesting to its intended audience.

How to Pitch a Brilliant Idea

the four negative stereotypes that are guaranteed to kill a pitch.

The pushover
The robot
The used-car salesman
The charity case is needy

The three types of successful pitchers have their own techniques for doing this

The Showrunner

Pitcher: Remember Errol Flynn’s Robin Hood?
Catcher: Oh, yeah. One of my all-time favorites as a kid.
Pitcher: Yes, it was classic. Then, of course, came Costner’s version.
Catcher: That was much darker. And it didn’t evoke as much passion as the original.
Pitcher: But the special effects were great.
Catcher: Yes, they were.
Pitcher: That’s the twist I want to include in this new series.
Catcher: Special effects?
Pitcher: We’re talking a science fiction version of Robin Hood. Robin has a sorcerer in his band of merry men who can conjure up all kinds of scary and wonderful spells.
Catcher: I love it!

The pitcher sets up his opportunity by leading the catcher through a series of shared memories and viewpoints.

The Artist

The Neophyte

Neophytes are the opposite of showrunners. Instead of displaying their expertise, they plead ignorance. Neophytes score points for daring to do the impossible, something catchers see as refreshing

Taking the Stress Out of Stressful Conversations

Fight Tactics, Not People
The best way to neutralize a tactic is to name it.

Nudge Theory

  1. Libertarian Paternalism
  2. Choice Architects
  3. Home Economicus
  4. people have a strong tendency to go along with the status quo or default option.
  5. First, never underestimate the power of inertia. Second, that power can be harnessed.
  6. The effects of well-chosen default options provide just one illustration of the gentle power of nudges.
  7. The iPod and the iPhone are good examples because not only are they elegantly styled, but it is also easy for the user to get the devices to do what they want.
  8. Knowing something about the cognitive system has allowed others to discover systematic biases in the
    way we think.
  9. three heuristics, or rules of thumb—anchoring, availability, and representativeness
  10. Defaults: Padding the Path of Least Resistance

How to Pitch ?

no situation has real meaninguntil you frame it.
Framesare mental structures that shape the way we see the world and put
relationships in context.

And the most
powerful  thing  about  frames?  There  can  be  only  one  dominant  frame
during any interaction between two people.
So that was  his  game;  he  was  playing  with  the analyst  frame,  which
relies on facts, figures, and logic.
I  had  a  better  frame  prepared,  the moral authority frame,  and  it’s  an
analyst disruptor.
No matter what happens, no matter how much
social pressure and discomfort you suffer, you must stay composed and
stick  to  your  frame.  This  is  called plowing  ——  Always  moving  forward.  Never

stopping. Never any self-doubt.

When you are reacting to
the other person, that person owns the frame. When the other person is
reacting to what you do and say, you own the frame.
Problem  solving,  numerical
calculations,  statistics,  and  any  sort  of  geometry  are  called cold
cognitions.  Nothing  will  freeze  your  pitch  faster  than  allowing  your
audience to grind numbers or study details during the pitch
“The revenue is $80 million, expenses are $62 million, the net is $18
million. These and other facts you can verify later, but right now, what
we  need  to  focus  on  is  this:  Are  we  a  good  fit?  Should  we  be  doing
business together? This is what I came here to work on.”
What this tells the audience is that (1) I’m trying to decide if you are
right for me; (2) if I decide to work with you, the numbers will back up
what  I’m  telling  you,  so  let’s  not  worry  about  that  now;  and  (3)  I  care
about who I work with.

If youare trying to win your target’s respect, attention, and money,
he becomes the prize.
When your targetis trying to win your attention and respect, you are
the prize. (This, of course, is what you want.)
1.  We chase that which moves away from us.
2.  We want what we cannot have.
3.  We only place value on things that are difficult to obtain.
The  problem  with  this  approach  is  that  if  it  is  true  that  people  only
value  things  that  are  hard  to  get,  you  are  not  hard  to  get.  There’s  no
challenge. Behaving this way means that you are failing to prize.
Money cannot do anything without you. The money needs you.
You  don’t  earn status  by  being  polite,  by  obeying  the  established  power  rituals  of business,  or  by  engaging  in  friendly  small  talk  before  a  meeting  starts. What  these  behaviors  might  earn  you  is  a  reputation  for  being  “nice.” They do nothing for your social position—except reduce it.
Can we switch out of the beta position and take the alpha ?
His next move was to strengthen his position by co-opting one of my guests into his frame, making it impossible for me to attack him without simultaneously attacking her.
1.  Introduce yourself and the big idea: 5 minutes.
2.  Explain the budget and secret sauce: 10 minutes.
3.  Offer the deal: 2 minutes.
4.  Stack frames for a hot cognition: 3 minutes.
How to Pitch ?
1.  Explain  the  most  important  changes  in  our  business.  Forecast
trends.  Identify  important  developments—both  in  your  market
2.  Talk about the impact of these developments on costs and custom
3.  Explain how these trends have briefly opened a market window.
Why Forces ???
A huge part of the brain is devoted to
detecting movement.
you  realize  that  you  cannot  just  show
audience  members  two  possible  states  and  hope  that  the  difference
captures their attention.You need to show them the movement from one
to the other.
We are not wired to see or hear a static pitch: “Thatwas the old way,
but this is  the  new  way.” That  can  trigger  change  blindness,  where  the
target won’t get your  deal  at  all
It would be like the copier
salesperson  saying,  “Hey,  how  would  you  like  the  Model  T100?  We’ve
had 50 of them in the warehouse forever.”
“For [target customers]
Who are dissatstifed with [the current offerings in the market].
My idea/product is a [new idea or product category]
That provides [key problem/solution features].
Unlike [the competing product].
My idea/product is [describe key features].”
Realization 1:It doesn’t matter how much information you give, a
lot or a little, but instead how good your theory of mind is. In other
words, it’s important how well you can tune your information to the
other person’s mind.
Realization  2:All  the  important  stuff  must  fit  into  the  audience’s
limits of attention, which for most people is about 20 minutes.
To hold your target’s attention, there must be tension—a form of lowlevel  conflict—guiding  the  interaction.
A pitch narrative can be thought of as a series of tension loops. Push then pull. Create tension. Then resolve it.
Focus  on  demonstrating your skill at budgeting, which is a difficult and highly regarded executive talent.
Hot Cognition
  1. Hot cognition 1:the intrigue frame.
  2. Hot cognition 2:the prize frame.
  3. Hot cognition 3:the time frame.
  4. Hot cognition 4:the moral authority frame.
Oren, once we get through this deal, and we know you can close deals,
I’m going to introduce you to our senior trader, John Kincaid,” the seller
told  me.  “He’s  a  wildman,  just  like  you.  It’s  going  to  be  a  total  love
connection,  and  he’ll  get  you  into  the  big  deals  that  don’t  come  to  my

This was hot cognition 1—intrigue. I wanted to meet the senior trader
and get introduced to these bigger deals.
The bank trader continued: “You know the market is on fire right now,
and I have the French, English, and South Africans begging me for this
package, but if you work hard and don’t play any funny retrade games,
you  can  earn  your  way  in.
”  It  was  true,  the  market  was  hot,  and  those
were all players.
This  was hot cognition 2—prizing. Although I was the buyer, he was
asking me to prove myself. I wanted to impress him so that I could earn
my way into the deal.
He continued: “I’d love to give you until next week, but this market is
not letting me, and you have to make up your mind by Friday.” He said,
“I’m totally okay with a ‘No’; there’s no pressure. But Friday is D-day.

This  was hot  cognition  3—time  frame.  He  gave  me  just  enough  time
that  I  felt  I  had  free  will.  This  wasn’t  time  pressure,  just  a  reasonable
time constraint. In the end, the decision was mine to make.
He continued: “And I don’t need to tell you, we’ve done $150 billion in
trades  this  year  without  a  single  SEC  [Securities  and  Exchange
Commission]  sanction;  right  now  we’re  very  particular  about  our
reputation and counterparties. We do things right over here, so no games,
no missing wire numbers, just clean paper. We give you a fair price, and
that’s the deal. Can you play by the rules?”

This  was hot  cognition  4—moral  authority I  assured  him  that  even
though my company was small, just a $250 million blip on the outskirts
of San Diego, I knew the rules and could do things right.
—  Choclate vs Spanich  — Hot Cognition and Cold Cognition

Crucial Conversation

If we take control of our stories, they won’t control us.
* Winning. This particular dialogue killer sits at the top of many of our lists
* Punishing. Sometimes, as our anger increases, we move from wanting to win the point to wanting to harm the other person.
* Sometimes we choose personal safety over dialogue.
* First, clarify what you really want.
* Second, clarify what you really don’t want

* You know what? We need to talk about this. I’m glad you asked the question. Thank you for taking that risk. I appreciate the trust it shows in me.